cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
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Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
🤣🤣
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Breaking news:
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.