2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
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Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Pandas 🐼🖤
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone