“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
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If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision