I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
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Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss