[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
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Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
We’ve all been there…
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.