My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
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Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Ha.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat