All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
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“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic