Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
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I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
Ain’t no way
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.