I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
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I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”