I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
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8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.