Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
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*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same