me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
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I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Xylophonist Shredding It
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.