I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
You Might Also Like
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
If snakes were wide