*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
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LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
Jupiter
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.