“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
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Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something