*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
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“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
🤣🤣🤣
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.