I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
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Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
For anyone who needs this today
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends