And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
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One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!