My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
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I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully