INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
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If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.