My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
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Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves