I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
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[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt