therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
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first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
no their not
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.