“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
You Might Also Like
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??