In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
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Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
Snapes on a plane.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.