SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
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The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.