A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
You Might Also Like
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed