Duolingo getting serious.
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“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.