Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
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wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
Thursday
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
how high up are we talkin’?