Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
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I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
this is funnier than any friends episode
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
The government even made aliens boring
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”