[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
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[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
In case you needed to hear it:
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Hell yeah 👍
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.