“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
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Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
My blood type is coffee.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Breaking news:
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
taking June’s advice to heart
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.