*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
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You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
boat question
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn