“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
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Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
definitely did not do anything wrong
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.