Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 馃槅
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Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Awwwww shit.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody鈥檚 watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
Them: You鈥檙e a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I鈥檓 hot?
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it鈥檚 been reporting back to Bezos