Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
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2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Education is vital
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her