Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
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Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink