Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
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Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”