Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
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Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.