Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
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Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
It was worth a shot 😂
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.