My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
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Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
It’s an epidemic…
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
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fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.