Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
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I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Personal question. #JustSaying
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate