Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
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pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Best misinterpreted text ever!
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.