ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
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I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.