The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
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What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain