Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
You Might Also Like
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time