I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
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My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Had a spot of bother earlier.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it