*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
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i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Spotted in New Orleans.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…