Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
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Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.