I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
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I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.